Yachiru's Great Christmas Present Quest
by sQuIsHeDbRoCcOlLi
Summary: Yachiru sets off once again for that annual season of extortion...or so she thinks. collab with espeon16/inspired by notecumdoodle-passing


This special Christmas oneshot was inspired by some random note-passing done by me and **sQuIsHeDbRoCcOlLi**. Please enjoy!

Collaboration with **sQuIsHeDbRoCcOlLi**.

I don't own Bleach.

*****

Kusajishi Yachiru ripped a page off her pink wall calendar, and her eyes lit up at the sight of the date emblazoned in neon green on the fresh sheet of paper.

Stark against the lurid pink were the words: DECEMBER 25.

-----

"Ken-channnnnnn!"

Zaraki Kenpachi looked up from where he was currently lying on the cold floor, having been pushed off his bed by Yachiru.

"Ngh…Yachiru…get off me, I need to sleep."

"No! Ken-chan, it's Christmas, and nobody gave me presents! We must solve this problem right away!"

Kenpachi mumbled something along the lines of 'I don't care'.

"Did you say something, Ken-chan?" asked Yachiru, releasing some killing intent.

"No."

"Good. Let's go!"

-----

Yachiru wrinkled her nose at the hard _thing_ that had been flung in her face.

"…That's _it_, chibi-kun?"

"_Yes_. Now get _out_ of my office!"

Yachiru scowled.

"One small piece of candy ain't enough to be called a present, chibi-kun!"

Said chibi, a very ticked off Hitsugaya Toshirou, growled at the cotton candy-haired annoyance that had broken through his window and smashed his inkpot, spilling ink all over his desk, which was thankfully void of paperwork. He now, however, had an ominously black cup of liquid that had once been green tea.

"That is all I have. Take it or leave it," he hissed through clenched teeth. The cup of ink and tea began steaming in the rapidly cooling environment.

"B-But Uki-uki _always_ gives you candy! You've gotta have a secret stash somewhere!"

"I give the candy to Matsumoto."

"Booby-chan? Really? Where is she?"

Hitsugaya sniffed, annoyed.

"I don't know, and frankly, I don't care. Now _get out of my office_!" he aimed a sturdy brush between her eyes.

Yachiru stomped her foot indignantly.

"Candy!"

Instantly, the room's temperature took a steep plunge, and the already cold room slowly filled with mist as the temperature headed towards freezing point (and perhaps beyond).

People from the first division swore they heard windows cracking.

"_Out._"

The killing intent laced within that single word promised great pain if the pink _thing_ in his office didn't get out. Yachiru decided to scram, before the one piece of candy she had been given got confiscated.

-----

When in short supply, go directly to the supplier.

She stormed the thirteenth division.

"Uki-uki!" she screeched. "Come out wherever you are!"

A muffled groan was heard, and a sleepy Kiyone poked her head out of the division barracks.

"Mmph. It's our day off, Kusajishi-san. Let us sleep."

"No! Where's Uki-uki?" she bounced enthusiastically.

Kiyone shrugged, then yawned. "Dunno. Doing paperwork, maybe?"

She regretted those words as soon as they left her mouth, for Yachiru then crashed through the wall, leaving a Yachiru-shaped hole in the white wall. Kiyone stared morosely at the snow whirling in through the hole.

"Guess I'll clean it up before Sentarou gets here…"

But before she could turn around to fetch a broom, she fell asleep in the growing pile of snow.

Meanwhile, Yachiru had quickly located Ukitake's office, and had proceeded to kick it open. Ukitake, true to Kiyone's prediction, was buried among mounds of paperwork higher than the snowdrifts outside.

He looked up at the sharp sound, and heard Yachiru. Seeing beyond those avalanches of paper was impossible, as was not being able to hear Kusajishi Yachiru's voice.

"Ah, Kusajishi-fukutaichou. What can I do for you?"

"It's Christmas," stated Yachiru, pointing an accusing finger at Ukitake, "and you didn't give me a present!"

He blinked, bewildered.

"Oh, okay. And so?"

"I want you to gimme candy now!"

"Candy?"

He put down his brush, and bent down to open the biggest drawer in his desk. With some difficulty, he extracted a bulging bag of assorted sweets that must have weighed at least 40 kilograms.

"Here," he said, standing up to hand it to her. "It's pretty heavy, so-"

He never got to finish, for at that precise moment, Matsumoto burst in, and in his surprise, Ukitake dropped the heavy bag.

On his _foot_.

"Ow! My foot!"

"Ukitake-taichou, are you okay-Oooh! Is that candy? May I have it? Please and thank you!"

Matsumoto then swiped the heavy bag, and flash-stepped off to goodness-knows-where, leaving Yachiru to stare mournfully at the spot that the bulging sack had just occupied. She screamed strings of words she could only have learnt from her subordinates as Ukitake desperately tried to cover his ears and flatten his hair at the same time.

"Ah well. I'll try Byakkun," she huffed impatiently, finally calming down.

Throwing herself through the pane of glass and leaving another mess for Kiyone to clean up, she made for the Kuchiki Manor.

Ukitake lay on the floor, abandoned and unable to get up, due to an unfortunate case of the flattened foot. He watched as snow from the still-open window began to whirl in, settling on his paperwork and on his face.

"…Help, anybody…?"

-----

"BYAKKUN!"

Kuchiki Byakuya heard a high-pitched shriek from next door, followed by a loud crash. Sighing, he got up to check what the rumpus was about.

To his horror, he saw Kusajishi Yachiru, standing in front of what _used to be_ the Kuchiki Manor. He stepped up to the ruins for a closer look, and one of the pillars that were still standing suddenly collapsed, bathing him in a shower of dust and dirt, little rubble rocks getting stuck in his _kenseikan_ and in the folds of his scarf.

Taking deep breaths in an effort to calm himself down, he spun slowly on his heel.

"What is this about?"

Yachiru looked gleeful. Her eyes sparkled and he could practically see the excitement float her into the air as the little hard sweet in her hand cracked.

"It's Christmas, and I want presents, so I came looking for you. I searched the Manor, but you weren't there. But now that you're here, give me candy!"

"What for?"

"As a present, of course!"

"No."

"Why not? Just give me candy!"

"No."

"But why?!"

"Because," he said with an air of explaining something to a lunatic patient, "I'm dirty. And unhappy. Dirty and Unhappy People do not feel charitable."

And with that, he spun around and strode off, his (dirty) scarf billowing in the (non-existent) wind. Obviously there must be some sad subordinate holding an electric fan for his scarf.

-----

Yachiru bounced out of the Senkaimon, right in front of the Urahara Shop. After all, the best place to get candy _was_ a candy shop. Perhaps she could even get those weird human sweets that turned your mouth blood red. Maybe Pachinko would eat those too…

Hanging on the shop door was a sign.

"_Urahara Shop is closed this week. On holiday."_

Yachiru scowled, then threw a fit at the door.

Having incredibly bad aim, her throw missed, so she gathered her temper and her dignity and stomped off.

-----

"Icchi!"

The carrot-headed teen turned around.

"Eh? Aren't you Kenpachi's pet Tellytubby?"

She pouted, but ignored the insult.

"Icchi! Today's Christmas! Gimme candy!"

"Ame…?" **(1)**

"Yeah, yeah! Do you have any?"

"…No."

"D'you know where I can find some?"

Ichigo looked at Yachiru like she was crazy. Brows twitching and brain collapsing in the sheer absurdity of the whole happening, he somehow found himself obliged to answer the little idiot.

"In the _sky_, duh."

"Really?"

Yachiru ran outside, and stood, staring at the sky. Palms out facing skyward and mouth open for extra measure, she stayed there for half an hour before retreating into Ichigo's room to beat him up

Nothing would stop her, even her bad aim.

"Ichigo!" she screeched. "You LIAR! It's not in the sky!"

He looked bewildered. "Eh?"

"Candy! It's not in the sky!"

He spluttered.

"Butbutbut…I thought you said….."

"Ken-chan!" she yelled loudly.

Kenpachi, who had been loitering at the entrance to the Senkaimon, waiting impatiently for Yachiru to finish, came rushing over.

"Icchi _lied_ to me!" she wailed, pointing an accusing finger at the poor Substitute Shinigami.

"He did, did he?"

Ichigo gulped as Kenpachi turned to him, murderous glint in his eyes, hand straying to his sword.

"Now wait just one moment-"

He never got to finish.

-----

_December 25, Kurosaki Ichigo officially became a Shinigami._

*****

**(1**) The Japanese word for 'sweets' is '_ame_', which also means 'rain'. Here, Ichigo confused 'sweets' for 'rain'.

Merry Christmas!


End file.
